Tuesday Advice Column
Dear GOLDN You asked. We said what we said.
Real questions. Honest answers. No sugarcoating.
The letter
Dear GOLDN,
I’m 27, and my ex-boyfriend is 34. We broke up because he has a temper, but we still talk, still love each other, and exist somewhere between exes and a relationship without a label.
I love him, and in many ways he feels perfect for me. But the way he handles conflict is not a small issue. When he gets angry, he yells and sometimes calls me names. I’ve told him he’s allowed to be upset with me, but it’s not okay to take that anger out on me.
I’m about to have dental surgery to remove my front tooth. It’s going to be a long process with multiple procedures before I get my final implant. He knows I’m dealing with something dental and has offered to support me through messages, but I haven’t told him the full truth. I don’t want him to know because he yells, makes me cry, and I don’t feel safe being that vulnerable with him.
One of our biggest issues is my close male friend, who also works with us. He was initially interested in me, but I turned him down, and we’ve been strictly friends for over a year. My ex believes the friendship is disrespectful and that this friend gets too much of my attention. I’ve even let my ex read our messages, and there’s nothing inappropriate.
I know I’m not perfect. I can be avoidant, and I’ve fought hard to keep this friendship. I understand why some of his concerns bother him. But when he expresses those feelings, he yells and calls me names.
Am I the problem? Is there something I need to change about how I’m handling things? If you were me, would you leave—or is this something we can fix?
— Caught Between Love and Peace
No judgment. Just the truth.
Dear Caught Between Love and Peace,
Okay, I’m just going to say this to you. You’re scared to tell someone you love about surgery because of how he might react.
That’s not normal. That’s not something you should have to work around or manage. That’s your body telling you something is off.
I get that he might not love your friendship with another guy. People get insecure; it happens. But yelling at you and calling you names is not him being hurt—it’s him being disrespectful. Those are two very different things.
And it sounds like you’ve already tried explaining yourself, reassuring him, and doing all the right things. If none of that has changed how he treats you, then this isn’t about you not doing enough. It’s about him not wanting to change how he shows up.
Also, you saying you’re avoidant—sure, maybe sometimes you pull back. But pulling back from someone who makes you feel unsafe isn’t a flaw. It’s self-protection.
Let me ask you something honestly. Are you staying connected to him because it feels familiar, even if it doesn’t feel good? Are you shrinking parts of yourself just to keep things calm?
If respect disappears the second he’s upset, then it was never really stable to begin with.
And the fact that you’re hiding something as real as surgery says everything.
If it were me, I’d keep the breakup as a breakup. Focus on getting through your surgery with people who actually make you feel safe and supported. Don’t make him the center of your world right now.
And if he ever wants to be in your life again, the baseline has to be no yelling, no name-calling, no exceptions. Not promises—actual, consistent behavior.
You’re not the problem here. And no, I wouldn’t go back unless something real changes over time, not just words.
Love isn’t supposed to make you feel like you have to protect yourself from it.
Pick peace.