Tuesday Advice Column
Dear GOLDN
You asked. We said what we said.My Best Friend Punishes Me Every Time I Stand Up for Myself
The letter
Dear GOLDN,
My best friend and I are both 17. We’ve been friends for three or four years, and I consider her my closest friend. She’s smart, blunt, closed-off, and not very good at expressing her feelings. She hates being vulnerable or admitting when she’s wrong, so apologies almost never happen.
Lately, I feel like I can’t take a deep breath around her because it’s so easy to offend her. When she cuts someone off, she expects me to stop talking to that person too. If she sees me interacting with someone she dislikes, she’ll ignore me.
When she’s angry with me, she talks enthusiastically to everyone except me so I feel isolated. If I try to join a conversation, she interrupts, changes the subject, and leads everyone away. Our mutual friends follow along because no one wants to end up on her bad side.
I usually get so miserable that I apologize the same day—even when I don’t think I did anything wrong. She still ignores me, and somehow every argument ends with her as the victim and me carrying all the blame.
Over the past year, I’ve become more confident and started confronting the behavior. That has only caused more arguments. We now fight almost every week or two.
During our biggest fight, everything I had been holding in finally came out. I asked her to apologize just once and told her I would give up on the friendship if she couldn’t communicate with me. It took more than a week for her to apologize, and even then it felt like she only said it to end the drama.
She told me she wouldn’t mind if our friendship ended, but she wanted to end it on good terms because of our memories. I chose to continue the friendship because I thought things would change. Instead, everything has been rocky, and we argue even more.
I don’t know how to handle this anymore. This feels like my last resort. What do I do?
— Walking on Eggshells
No judgment. Just the truth.
Dear Walking on Eggshells,
I’m going to be honest: you keep calling this a friendship because it has history. But what you described sounds more like a punishment system.
When she’s happy with you, you’re included. When she’s upset, she uses silence, the group, and social exclusion to make you uncomfortable until you apologize. That isn’t simply “bad communication.” It’s control.
Her insecurity may explain why she behaves this way, but it does not excuse it. You should not have to monitor every word, stop speaking to people she dislikes, or accept blame just to stay in her good graces.
And notice what happened when you became more confident: the friendship became more difficult. That doesn’t mean confidence ruined the friendship. It means the old version of the friendship worked better for her when you stayed quiet, apologized quickly, and let her decide who was wrong.
A friendship that only works when you stay small is not a friendship you need to save.
You finally asked for one apology. It took her more than a week, felt forced, and was followed by the same behavior. That is not repair. Repair looks like accountability, changed behavior, and both people feeling safe enough to speak honestly.
You also don’t need to prove that she is a terrible person before you’re allowed to leave. You’re allowed to end a friendship because it makes you anxious, isolated, and miserable. The good memories can be real, and the friendship can still be unhealthy for you now.
So what should you do?
- Stop chasing the apology. You already explained the problem. Repeating yourself will not create accountability she does not want to give.
- Step back clearly and calmly. You do not need another explosive confrontation or a group vote. A short message is enough.
- Reconnect with people individually. She does not get to decide who you can speak to. Build friendships outside of her approval and outside of the group dynamic.
- Do not start a campaign against her. If people ask, keep it simple: the friendship stopped feeling healthy, so you chose space.
- Tell a trusted adult. Because you are 17 and this is affecting your social life at school, talk to a parent, guardian, teacher, or school counselor—especially if the exclusion becomes harassment, rumors, threats, or retaliation.
“I care about the history we have, but this friendship doesn’t feel healthy for me anymore. I’m stepping back. I’m not going to argue or involve other people, and I need you to respect my space.”
Then follow through. Don’t get pulled into a week-long argument about whether your feelings are valid. You are not asking for permission to leave.
She already told you she could accept the friendship ending. As painful as that was to hear, take it as your opening to choose yourself without another round of proving why you deserve basic respect.
Stop auditioning for a place in a friendship that keeps making you prove you belong.