DEAR GOLDN - Friendship
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Tuesday Advice Column
Dear GOLDN
You asked. We said what we said.My Best Friend Punishes Me Every Time I Stand Up for Myself
The letter
Dear GOLDN,
My best friend and I are both 17. We’ve been friends for three or four years, and I consider her my closest friend. She’s smart, blunt, closed-off, and not very good at expressing her feelings. She hates being vulnerable or admitting when she’s wrong, so apologies almost never happen.
Lately, I feel like I can’t take a deep breath around her because it’s so easy to offend her. When she cuts someone off, she expects me to stop talking to that person too. If she sees me interacting with someone she dislikes, she’ll ignore me.
When she’s angry with me, she talks enthusiastically to everyone except me so I feel isolated. If I try to join a conversation, she interrupts, changes the subject, and leads everyone away. Our mutual friends follow along because no one wants to end up on her bad side.
I usually get so miserable that I apologize the same day—even when I don’t think I did anything wrong. She still ignores me, and somehow every argument ends with her as the victim and me carrying all the blame.
Over the past year, I’ve become more confident and started confronting the behavior. That has only caused more arguments. We now fight almost every week or two.
During our biggest fight, everything I had been holding in finally came out. I asked her to apologize just once and told her I would give up on the friendship if she couldn’t communicate with me. It took more than a week for her to apologize, and even then it felt like she only said it to end the drama.
She told me she wouldn’t mind if our friendship ended, but she wanted to end it on good terms because of our memories. I chose to continue the friendship because I thought things would change. Instead, everything has been rocky, and we argue even more.
I don’t know how to handle this anymore. This feels like my last resort. What do I do?
— Walking on Eggshells
No judgment. Just the truth.
Dear Walking on Eggshells,
Okay, girl. Sit down. Because I need you to hear this from me, your internet bestie, not your therapist: what you just described is not a friendship. It's a punishment system with a group chat.
When she's happy, you're in. When she's mad, she goes silent, pulls the group, and freezes you out until you crawl back and apologize for existing. That's not "bad communication." That's control, dressed up in a friendship bracelet.
HHer insecurity might explain the behavior. It does not excuse the behavior. You should not have to walk on eggshells, censor who you talk to, or take the blame just to stay on her good side. That's not friendship, that's a job with no pay and worse hours.
And here's the part that should really piss you off: the second you got more confident, things got harder between you two. That's not a coincidence, bestie. That's not you "changing." That's her liking you better small. Quiet. Apologizing fast. Letting her be the judge, jury, and group chat executioner.
A friendship that only works when you shrink yourself isn't one you need to save. It's one you need to walk away from.
You asked for one apology. ONE. It took her over a week, felt fake, and changed nothing. That's not repair, babe. Repair looks like someone actually owning it and doing better, not stalling until you give up and thank them for the crumbs.
YAnd you don't need a court case against her to be allowed to leave. You're allowed to walk away because this makes you anxious. Because it's isolating. Because it's making you miserable. The good memories are real. They can also be in the past.
So here's what we're doing:
- Stop chasing the apology. You already said your piece. Saying it again isn't going to make her suddenly grow a conscience.
- Step back. Calm, clean, no fireworks. You don't owe her a blowout or a group chat vote. A short message does the job.
- Go talk to people one on one. She doesn't get to be the HR department of your social life. Rebuild those friendships outside of her permission slip.
- Do not start a campaign against her. You don't need one. If people ask, keep it short: it stopped feeling healthy, so you stepped back.
- Tell a trusted adult. You're 17 and this is messing with your school life, so loop in a parent, guardian, teacher, or counselor, especially if this turns into rumors, threats, or anything nastier than the silent treatment.
"I care about our history, but this isn't healthy for me anymore. I'm stepping back. I'm not going to fight about it or drag other people into it, and I need you to actually respect that."
Then send it and mean it. Don't get sucked into a week of debating whether your own feelings are "valid enough." They are. You checked.
She already told you she's fine with the friendship ending. That's not a loss, that's a green light. Take it and go be great somewhere she isn't deciding your worth.
Stop auditioning for a place in a friendship that keeps making you prove you belong.
Nat
